I want I wish I desire

2010 March 15

I want. I wish, I desire. All those things coming from this well-known ego that is good for nothing.

I’ve asked you to forgive me, which doesn’t rule out the fact that I expect you to say you too, are sorry.

So many surprises come from this relationship we have of reflecting on our selves, our hopes, our expectations. I expected that you would share somewhat the same passion I have for this language, this instrument of communication, this art, this way or 道.

It hurt me so bad that you didn’t enjoy the gift I wanted to share with you. It hurt me when you threw away the guide for learners in this incredible path towards mastery. My mind couldn’t conceive that you would leave without even saying goodbye to sensei. For me it was illogical that you would be so uncomfortable and upset towards a Zen practice that you know consists of primary patience. It really bothered me that you would show disrespect for the instructor, as you listened to his instructions but did not follow. Were you intentionally looking to escape? Is this art causing you so much pain?

I couldn’t understand why, if you pass the day in passionate practice of writing your name, of writing kanji with the innocence of a child, you would not want to take advantage of the gift of knowledge in 書道. I couldn’t understand that you would be so the opposite in this path, when it should be the same for other paths, the same rituals, the same breathing, the same happiness, the same attitude, the same devotion, the same deliverance.

So here I am, waiting and swimming in a pool of mixed emotions, knowing that it is best to stay quiet and to receive what must flow from this unfailing universe of lessons learnt. And it’s back to basics. Basic love, basic meditation, basic forgiving, basic breathing, basic learning.

If you wish to teach, first you must wish to learn.